“Barack Obama accused of distorting the Bible by evangelical leader James Dobson”

How fantastic is that???? Isn’t that like saying, “I know what God meant and you didn’t so nyah nyah nyah.” It doesn’t even matter how Dobson thinks Obama distorted the bible, the fact is, the bible is distorted! Hello!!! Has anybody actually read it??? I mean shell fish is wrong, but Lot’s two daughters getting their dad all drunk and then lying with him (IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE) so they could each get knocked up and have a son, is okay? Really people. Perspective. Personally, I like the fact that women can be traded for cattle, or stoned for lying in sin, whereas guys can have a wife, mistress AND concubine all for the sake of making sure they have a boy. ‘Cause you know, boys are better

Obama must have been looking for trouble when he asserted “individuals could be moral without being religious.” Uh oh, better get some Maaco for the soul, ’cause Barry’s going straight to hell for that one. Dobson’s reply?

“He oughta read the Bible.”

All I can say to that, in terms of the correlation between morality and religion, is see my paragraph above, or I don’t know, just read the bible. Now everyone says in Part II (aka the new testament) god gets all warm, chummy and forgiving (no I haven’t gotten there yet, I’m still having trouble getting through all the smiting in Part I). But last I checked god let his own kid suffer through a pretty gruesome death just to prove a point. I guess you can’t really bust god for being a negligent parent, because he’s, you know, god

Perhaps I’m being a bit narrow in my view, and I’m actually more like the religious right then the lefty liberal I purport myself to be, but the difference is, I know I’m right and they’re just stupid.

The other day I was on the 2 Train going into Manhattan when we pulled in Borough Hall station and waited. We waited. And waited. As we waited a woman approaching a certain age barged onto the train with all the might of a discus thrower and toting several large canvas bags. She stood over the man sitting next to me and not so much asked as demanded “May I please have your seat.” He shot up and she sat down. She rummaged through her bags, pulling something out of one and replacing it in the other. I noticed a lot of newspapers, and might have seen a banana, but I’m not sure.

We finally hear “There is a delay at 14th Street we will moving shortly.” Shortly being a euphemism for “Could be two minutes, could be twenty in any case, you’re screwed.” After about five more minutes the woman turned to me and said “How long are we going to sit here for.” And it wasn’t polite conversation, it was a genuine question. “I don’t know.” “Well what do you think?” I think you’re a few ham sandwiches short of a picnic but I’m not going to say that.

A few minutes pass and she taps me on the shoulder, “Wish me a good day.” “Pardon me?” I replied.

“Wish me a good day.”
“Okay, have a good day.”
“And now you ask me to wish you a good day.”

That was it. I was done. I got up to move to a different car. As I step away she yells “I hope you have a terrible day. A terrible day!”

I didn’t have a terrible day. It wasn’t necessarily a “good” day, but it wasn’t bad either. The train eventually left the station and the rest of my ride was spent it peace. It was just one more day in New York City where use of the term “sanity” is all relative.

Naomi

Thanks to a 50% increase in a Homeland Security Grant the New York City subway system will be getting five or six teams of super cops carrying: Mp5 submachine guns, rifles, body armor and bomb-sniffing dogs. I say hurray!

Just the word submachine gun got me digging through my closet looking for some appropriate 1930s gangster girlfriend outfit to wear.

These super cops will be trolling the major hub stations looking for terror under every seat; holding the trains for surprise sweeps, and best of all making sure all those terrorists know that we’re on to them. The curious thing is there are over 400 subway stations in the system and six teams to cover them. That’s a lot of subway riding. It could get dicey during rush hour. I for one have felt the jab of a briefcase in my abdomen, and don’t really want to know what a submachine gun feels like in comparison.

It’s a nice plan and all, big guns are scary, but I’m not sure that’s the most effective method to nab those freedom-haters. If the government really wants to get ‘em, I say just hire a slew of preachers. It would be a religious smackdown on the subway. You know as soon as the Christian Zealot starts touting that Jesus saves, the extreme Muslim would have to stand up for Allah. And suddenly it’s the Koran vs. The Bible on the 4 train. That’s when the cops could jump in and bag their extremist. Plus the whole thing could have a nice educational side effect. Children of all ages could learn about world religions while the train is stalled on The Manhattan Bridge. Jews For Jesus vs. The Lubavitchers. The Hare Krishnas take on Zen Buddhism.

In fact if the government really wants to eradicate terrorism on the subway they could turn the whole thing into a reality show conversion program. Teams of religious sects get points for how many Muslims can “turn.” The subways fill with TV cameras, and we the riders vote for the best preach of the ride. Certainly a few Muslims could see the benefits of becoming Christian. Easter for one. Who doesn’t like chocolate eggs? And if a Muslim gets the better preach, they get a virgin for the night. Why wait until death for twenty seven when you can have a live one right now! Then of course after the one night they get shipped to Guantanemo, but they would have done their people proud in the process. A perfect plan, and no one gets gunned down on their way Coney Island.

The ironic part of all of this is in my thirteen years of New York some of the most terrifying things I’ve seen in the subway system are the rats, the bridge and tunnel crowd coming in for a Saturday night and the pimply, eager, members of the National Guard. When riding the subway, terror is in the eye of the beholder.

I was listening to NPR this week and Cokie Roberts brought up a really interesting theory. She thought perhaps, consciously or not, Bill was sabotaging Hillary’s campaign. He brings up issues after they passed (sniper bullets in Bosnia was usurped by Barack’s comments about working class people being bitter and clinging to guns and religion as a result, but Billy brought it up again). He seems to be making off the cuff comments that are damaging to Hillary and generally become a bit of a liability.

Makes sense to me. Bill has never been a second chair kind of guy. If Hillary wins, what’s he gonna do?

Bill: Hey hun, what are you up to?

Hillary: Gotta get to the situation room.

Bill: I know where that is, I can take you there.

Hillary: I got it. Thanks.

Bill: Wanna grab a bite tonight

Hillary: Sorry, no can do. Have to fix the budget.

Bill: I can balance a budget.

Hillary: Yes dear. We all know you can. But it’s my job now.

Bill: I’m bored.

Hillary: Why don’t you work on your foundation?

Bill: It’s so small. I like running the country better.

Hillary: You could go to Darfur with George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

Bill: Could I take Airforce One?

Hillary; No, that’s my plane. You can have Airforce Two.

Bill: Maybe I could take that Carla Bruni, Nikolas Sarkozy’s wife. She’s seems, you know, active.

Hillary: Why don’t you just throw a cream pie in my face the next time I’m giving a speech. Save on the carbon footprint.

Bill: I’m going out for a burger.

Hillary: That’s your third today.

Bill: Weight Watchers called. They want me to bulk up so I can lose it for their spring advertising campaign.

Hillary: See, you’re still wanted.

Bill: I guess.

Hillary: Love you mean it. I gotta go fix the mess W left.

Bill: There were a lot of pork rinds left in the bedroom.

Hillary: I meant Iraq.

Bill: Right. Sorry.

Hillary: Have a good day. Don’t forget to pick out the menu for next week’s state dinner.

Bill stomps the floor and pouts. Hillary heads to the Sit Room.

And the FOX TV network breaks Headline news
BILL CLINTON TO PITCH WEIGHT WATCHERS oh and President Hillary Clinton brings peace to the middle east… BUT BACK TO BILL!

There is one thing that has failed be mentioned during this whole Eliot Spitzer scandal and that is the consideration he took in spending these thousands of dollars. Like the good Governor he was, he kept it all in within New York State by using an escort service within in his home state. Nobody is talking about the great personal risk he took by having his Friend transported across State lines. Eliot could have easily picked up a local girl, but no, he was always thinking of the Empire State, even when committing a felony.

Everyone is asking why he did it? Did he think he was going to get caught? Did he want to get caught? I, for one, believe he didn’t think he was going to get caught, and I’ve actually developed a mathematical theory for such actions. M+FP+D+P = JA

If:
M=Man; FP=Functioning Penis; D=Delusions of Grandeur; P=Power

Then:
Man+Functioning Penis+Delusions of Grandeur + Power = Jackass

Yesterday I was sitting on the 2 train going into work when a voice called out “Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.” I looked up to see if it was the regular 2 train preacher but saw no one. “I haven’t had a day off in four years.” I spotted the speaker. He was just a guy, a big guy mind you, sitting down and shouting.

God’s back and He’s pissed. Unlike Falwell, Bin Laden and my pal Mahmoud Ahmadinejad God didn’t actually speak to Shlomo Benizri, but Shlomo knows God’s mind and interpreted for Him.

According to Shlomo, an ultra-Orthodox Israeli MP, the tremors experienced in Israel last week were because, “homosexuality causes earthquakes.” It seems that the earthquakes occurred the same week lawmakers in Israel granted same-sex adoption rights. I can totally see how that works. After all God has His good days and bad days just like the rest of us, and maybe He created orphans solely for the benefit Hollywood celebrities and their press agents. Clearly the gays of Israel are impeding on his Master Plan so God sent a message. Heck, our mini snow storm in New York this morning was clearly God’s way of saying Hillary needs to kick off her shoes and get back in the kitchen and Obama needs to get back to the cotton field. If you think about it, God’s ways really aren’t that mysterious at all.

Now what confused me about Shlomo’s statement was his follow up:
“God says you shake your genitals where you are not supposed to and I will shake my world in order to wake you up.”

If God is so serious about this why didn’t He provide the “Zagat’s Guide to Deity Approved Genital Shaking Locations?” And if God didn’t want us to shake our genitals, why did He make it so darn easy and so darn fun. I don’t know about you, but when that Donna Summer comes on the radio it’s all I can do to not shake my genitals. And if it’s hard for me, I can’t imagine how hard it is for the gays, after all, we all know that no homosexual can resist a good disco beat. Once again God reveals himself to be one complicated dude.

Clearly the time has come for me to go Israel and sort the whole mess out. I’ll turn the Gaza Strip into the government and God sponsored Approved Genital Shaking Zone and bring Britney Spears down to run the adoption agencies. But first I have to go slap on lipstick and brush my hair - a really cute guy just came into the coffee shop and he’s got some genitals I’d like to get shaking.

Okay we all know where I stand politically-I’m so left wing I’m in danger of developing a limp-but I’m seriously considering backing Mike Huckabee because he makes no sense and makes me laugh. I kind of respect the guy for being so utterly clueless that he is not even remotely embarrassed to announce he doesn’t believe in evolution. Alright, I’m exaggerating, never will I vote for Mikey or any of the others in the “get married, have a baby, go shopping and it’s your own damn fault if you’re poor and black party” but I am seriously dismayed by the ongoing crap being delivered by the Dems.

At this point I expect Hillary and Barack to break out into “Sticks and stones may be break my bones but names will never hurt me” rhetoric. I just want to show up at the next debate and scream “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.” They need to enroll themselves in some Montessori preschool classes and learn some basics.

Instead of debates and caucuses, what about state by state Musical Chairs? Whoever ends up sitting the most wins. It involves all the skills a presidential candidate needs: strategy, plotting and some serious elbowing.

That doesn’t do it for you? How about Charades.

Barack (in Sign): Two Words, Phrase, First word-

Hllary: Vote For Me

Edwards: That’s three Hillary

Barack (in sign) First word

Edwards: Ronald

Hillary: Ronald Reagan I win.

Edwards: Hey she stole my answer

Barack: No it was Ronald McDonald. I’m hungry. Anyone want to get a burger?

Edwards: But-

Barack: Why are you here?

Edwards: Because-

Hillary: And that’s why Barack can’t be president. He likes McDonald’s. My husband Bill-

Barack: I have lived on the South Side. I am the people. McDonald’s is the people’s food.

Edwards: But-

Barack: What do you suggest? Fried Pork Rinds from Arkansas?

Hillary: Stop being State-ist

Barack: Hope. Change. That’s what I stand for.

Mike Huckabee pops in:

Mike: Barack Obama is having a sex change, you all heard it. You all heard it.

Hillary: I believe in sex change.

Barack: Change. Hope. Hope and change.

Edwards: But-

Rudy Giuliani barges on the stage.

Rudy: When I was mayor on 9/11-

Brian Williams: And that’s all the time we have. Once again we see the race is anyone’s to win. Final words.

Barack: Hope. Change. Change. Hope.

Hillary: Well Brian, as I’ve said from the beginning I’m Hillary Clinton.

Edwards: The poverty issue-

Brian: Tune in next week when our candidates show off their foreign policy skills with a live tournament of “Risk.”

It’s the holiday season and talk has turned Christmas, more specifically putting the Christ back in Christmas. Which technically means the word should be pronounced Chr-EYE-St-Mass. Which is even better than the common pronunciation because that way “ass” gets put back in the holiday as well. And who doesn’t like to say “ass” as often as possible.

Christmas time does odd things to people. There’s the father who took his 3 kids into the Northern California woods to chop down a tree to celebrate the birth of their lord and saviour. Alas, dad forgot his breadcrumbs, it got dark and they couldn’t find their way back to the car. After three days of freezing in the damn woods they were rescued. Here’s what the patriarch had to say: “I’m glad I’m home. Praise God,” ….Asked how he survived, he replied, “Jesus Christ.”

Then of course there’s Captain Christmas, Mike Huckabee. “…this time of year is not the presidential campaign but “the celebration of the birth of Christ,” Unless Christ was born in Iowa where Mike made this statement I think I smell political double talk. Although maybe JC was born in Iowa. He’s a pretty Nordic looking guy and Kevin Costner did say “If you build it, he will come.” We never did get a specific answer on who that He was. Five bucks says by the end of this month, Huckabee will have found the Ark of Covenant somewhere in Des Moines and the Holy Grail out near Ames. It all makes sense why the politicians are always heading to Iowa-who doesn’t want to find the Holy Grail? Do you know how much you could get for that on EBay!

Christmas means only one thing to me this year: Non-Fat Gingerbread Latte with a Caramel Drizzle. Too bad there weren’t any Starbucks in the Manger when Jesus was born. Certainly would have made the whole barn situation a lot more pleasant, and for sure Mary would have gotten a lifetime discount of 10% for that whole immaculate conception thing. I wonder if Huckabee drinks Starbucks or if he boycotts because they are called “Holiday Drinks” and not Christmas drinks. But then I wonder what drinks have the Jews contributed to this time of year. Manischevitz Lattes? Or the Kwazaaniites? African Corn Cappuccinos?

I have to confess, up until recently when I heard the term “water boarding” I thought it was referring to a summer water sport- a new craze! All the kids are doing it! But then I got super confused as to why suddenly we were all up in arms about some prisoners being subjected to water boarding in Guantanamo. So they took the boys out for some fun in the sun, they are on an island after all, what’s the big deal?

Once I, ahem, figured out what it was, I was even more stymied.

What happened to good old fashioned Chinese Water Torture. Or the rack? Or my personal favorite, The Iron Maiden? Suddenly water boarding is the Torture-du-Jour.

Torture just seems, I don’t know, so torturous. Aren’t we a “kindler gentler nation?” How about Jingle Bells, sung by Alvin and The Chipmunks pumped into their cells 24/7 as a means to extract information? Or a steady diet of gefilte fish and tripe?

I think I should go to Gitmo and sort things out. I don’t think there’s anything that can’t be solved with a slice of pie and a fresh cup of joe. Now that I’m working at The Cafe at Barnes and Noble I’m an expert in dealing with the personal peccadilloes of other people. Prisoner of war? Cafe customer? Really what’s the difference? They both want to get out of there as fast as possible, and yet it seems to take forever. Chances are the Cafe customers aren’t suicide bombers in the waiting, but neither are the prisoners. And if they are? Sugar ‘em up, literally and figuratively. “You wanted six pumps of mocha in your hot chocolate and whip cream and a caramel drizzle? Of course I can make you another, and by the way, how’s that Diabetes coming along?”

“That’s a very fetching hat you have on, where did you get it?” can be turned into “Ooh, that scar is super sexy, can I call you when you’re released?”

The trouble with government today is the lack of originality. It always the same old story “If it was good enough for Attila the Hun, it’s good enough for us.” I say it isn’t. I say it’s time for Torture-Lite. Evolution: it isn’t just for the monkeys anymore.