We all know the end of the world is nigh. If the Terrorists don’t kill us, the pigs will, if the pigs don’t, the ecoli bacteria will, if the Ebola bacteria doesn’t, global warming will, and the list goes on. But there is a crisis that has emerged that is more horrifying than all the above. It might not kill us outright, but it will so damage our way of life that a mass suicide is imminent. The baguette has become less crusty. Sacre Bleu!
Steven Kaplan (an American!) is the world’s greatest living authority on French bread. ” This is a significant and catastrophic trend,” said Mr. Kaplan. Yes, according to Kaplan, bakers are cutting cooking time which softens the crust – a response to the growing belief that food should melt in the mouth. Mr. Kaplan is having none of it: “The question is: do the French care any more, do they care about taste? When you eat their tomatoes, their carrots and their merlotised wine, you start to wonder. Are they not collaborating in their own cultural demise?”
Although I have been a victim of a crust-cut more than once…you know, when that crust is so damn hard it rips the roof of your mouth open, this new trend is unacceptable! When I say let’s break bread together, I want my bread to break! What will happen to that iconic image of happy French people riding their bicyclettes with a baguette sticking out the basket? No one wants to see a cyclist with a saggy loaf. How else can we pass off stale bread as fresh if all loaves are now as soft as Wonder bread? Egad, how will the French citizens defend themselves against burglars? They’ll have to get guns. It is truly the end of civilized culture as we know it.
Perhaps a letter writing campaign is in order. Or a UN Resolution. Mandatory dentures. Something. Anything. This is the issue I can and will get behind. If we don’t stop it now, what’s next? Creme Non-Brulee? Eggless quiches? A French President without a mistress?
World peace depends on this people. Act now or I promise you, the repercussions will be felt for generations to come.
