I have had it with the damn pirates. Oh sure they are a nasty nasty bunch and I want to feel angry at the situation that led them to piracy as well as their despicable actions at sea, but I can’t. Why? Because they are called PIRATES. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! International Talk Like A Pirate Day! Arg Matey, nice peg leg! Dread Pirate Roberts from The Princess Bride. That’s right, every time I read or hear about the pirates, I laugh. Yes, I laugh at a completely unfunny situation. Just like when I meet a Chinese guy named Dong. Or someone says KaKa. It’s infantile, but I can’t help myself.
And you know what? All the Somali women waiting on the beach for the men to return so they can hopefully nab a husband isn’t helping. In fact it’s now giving the Pirates (teehee) a certain cache of cool and hotness that makes it the situation seem even more ridiculous. Of course it’s the poverly, civil war and lawlessness that has led to the piracy and the babes who want to share in the spoils of the pillaging, but in the name of all that is holy can we not re-brand these people?
Because the pirates (tee hee) need money, they are stealing. It’s that simple. But they are also killing people, which is you know, bad. But imagine a global awareness campaign for their cause -A George Clooney /Darfur type thing. Playing on white-liberal-guilt might be able to curb the the criminal behaviour. Start with the name, I’m thinking Aqua-Terrorists or The Poverty Armada of Somalia (PAS-a good, serious acronym). Obama is a good guy and all, but he should step aside and just let a Madison Ave., American PR firm lead negotiations. The PAS already has a ton of dough, they should just give 20% over to a serious marketing and advertising budget. (See, by using the acronym PAS, already you took the issue more seriously, didn’t you?) I’m telling you, dropping the word pirates will get a lot more global attention which will mean more pressure on the government (or PR firm) to take speedier action in protecting the cargo ships, which would mean the end to Aqua Terrorism as we know it.
It’s just like the word Hooligans. “There was a brawl at the football match in Manchester last evening, forty people taken to hospital, over twenty hooligans are in custody for starting uprising.” Hooligans? Sounds to me like Alfafa, Buckwheat and Spanky got in some trouble and someone better make sure Darla’s okay!
Pirates and hooligans land in the category of “words that really don’t help a situation and do, in fact, cause more harm.” If the media is talking about thugs and hostage takers, should they not use words that do the situations justice? Yes they should! Stop the madness. Get a thesaurus. Change the world, one synonym at a time.
Now where did I put my eye patch…
