I had a date Wednesday night. Jeff is tall, cute, employed, from Toronto, lives in Brooklyn, and Jewish. Normally I wouldn’t bring up the Jewish part, ’cause really, who cares, but for this date it mattered.
These are the highlights of a two hour evening.
As we were sipping our beer, somehow the conversation veered to politics. I swear I don’t know how, but it did. I learned that Jeff voted for Bush in the first election. “But how? He’s a monkey!” I asked. “I know that now. I liked his tough talk, and his economy policy. I’m taxed to death.” “What about this election?” I asked. “I’m not voting, they’re both the same.”
We moved away from politics, and landed in the safety zone of Judaism.
“So, you’re Jewish?”
“I like to say Quasi Jewish. I’m culturally Jewish, but in no way religious.”
“How can you be culturally Jewish and not in any way believe in the religion.”
“Well for one I don’t really like the whole, we’re the chosen people, line. It’s a bit ridiculous.”
“We are the chosen people. We’ve suffered more than anyone else. Our culture and our religions are linked.”
And this is where I faulted, engaging in a conversation about who has suffered more. It’s such a ridiculous discussion. We had some back and forth about apartheid, and Africa in general, and then we rolled right into a full-on discussion about religion. And I was still only on my first beer.
It comes down to this, the bible is god’s word.
Moses was given the ten commandments by god.
“How would we know that Moses didn’t get a stone and inscribe it himself?”
“There were 600,000 witnesses.”
“When Bon Jovi played Central Park, it was full. The count was 45,000 people. WHen Paul Simon played the park, it was also full, the number reported then was 150,000. Numbers don’t always reveal the truth.”
“They just didn’t how to count the park, that’s all”
God really did free the Hebrews from Egypt.
“You really think that’s true, all the plagues and stuff? I mean if God is so smart why did the Hebrews have to mark their doors in blood, after all, God knows everything.”
“It’s not about God not knowing, it’s the Hebrews showing their faith, their devotion to god. How else do you think they got out of Egypt?”
“They got tired and left?”
“And the great flood, you don’t think that’s possible. After all God parted see the Red Sea, why couldn’t he have flooded the earth?”
“Well first off, the two by two animals would have killed each other. That’s just too many species for one boat. And since when were giraffes native to the middle east?
I am full-on confused at this point and in no way calm. I want to be illuminated. I want to understand his logic. I am fully committed to this discussion, and one could also say I was quite…animated in my discussion.
“Haven’t you noticed the bible runs in different tenses. Different voices. Isn’t it possible that each time a guy wanted a law put down, he adds a new chapter to the bible. Haven’t you noticed how all religions are completely patriarchal and in no way help women?”
“Perhaps there’s a reason for that.”
“Yeah, it’s called we treat women like shit so we can have all the power.”
“Why do you think that is then, that if it was a man made book that women didn’t write it. Don’t you think that says something.”
“Yeah it says the women were too busy being traded for cattle, popping out sons and being used for concubines to do much writing.”
And because religion wasn’t enough we took a few steps into Israel.
Me: “There can’t be peace in Israel it’s the home to three major world religions and each of them think they’re right.”
“What three?”
“Um. Christianity, Judaism, Muslim”
“Muslim is a johnny come lately religion. Nowhere in the Koran does it mention Israel as their homeland.”
“Doesn’t matter. They see it as their home. And let’s face it, it’s 1949 and all the Arabs are frolicking in Israel, and suddenly it’s “Get the fuck out. And we’re not doing anything to help you move!” How can you resolve that?
” Israel was ours in the first place. They took it from us and we reclaimed it.”
Which led to…
“We are the Chosen People, because we don’t do good for reward. We are the basis for all the other religions, they bastardized ours.”
“Um, what about the religions who were around before Judaism. You know. The Greeks. The Native Americans.
“Pagan religions.”
“Okay. What about Eastern Religions. Buddha seems pretty nice. They’ve been around longer than Western Religions.”
“We are the chosen ones because we know that when we die we don’t return or get reward and so our purpose on earth is to show others the right way to live.”
“I’m sorry what?”
“Jews are here as moral leaders.”
Which brings us to the finale. I bring up the fact that we are all human, and that we all evolved, and that religion is man-made and cannot be used as a basis for “who is better.” Until we recognize that we are all flesh and bones and born of the same material, we are going to go on killing each other.
“You expect me to believe I came from a monkey?”
“Yeah. DNA. Science.”
“So you believe you were once a tadpole.”
“Of course. Humans have sinus infections because when we were on all fours our sinuses drained, now that we’re upright they don’t.”
“I don’t get sinus infections.”
“The point is, there’s proof.”
“What proof?”
“The science section of the Times every Tuesday for one.”
“I don’t believe it.”
Now I’m sort of laughing, so half joking I say…
“So, what, you don’t believe in Evolution?”
“No. I don’t.”
“How is that possible?”
“I don’t believe it. Is that so wrong?”
“Yes, it is! It’s evolution. It’s dinosaur bones. It’s Cro Magnum man. It’s that fish that they just found that grew legs!”
“Is it absolutely necessary that I believe in evolution?”
My first thought was “If you want to get laid it is!” But all I said was:
“Yes. You do. What do you think happened?”
And here Jeff lifts up his arms to indicate the heavens, and then slowly brings them down and indicates the earth. I was speechless. At least we were both finished our beers. And it was clear, this date was only going to end with me pointing and laughing and him praying…
We leave the bar. I get to the corner to turn to walk home but he offers me a ride. Now, the 10 minute walk home isn’t great, it’s not awful, but it’s not comfortable. I told him thanks for the offer, but I was going to walk. No fucking way I was getting in a car with a Creationist. I would take my chances on the street. So we shake hands and go our separate ways.
Not two minutes after we parted, the sky opened up and I was caught in a deluge. I mean, I was soaked to the skin within thirty seconds deluge. I laughed my ass off, thinking of Jeff sitting in his car being smug about how God had just smited me!
As my friend Margaret said, the whole thing was like being at the zoo and interacting with a rare species.
As I said these are just the highlights of a two-hour evening. I didn’t even cover our banter over Adam and Eve and the Hasidics.
And people STILL ask me why I’m single.
