Thanks to a 50% increase in a Homeland Security Grant the New York City subway system will be getting five or six teams of super cops carrying: Mp5 submachine guns, rifles, body armor and bomb-sniffing dogs. I say hurray!
Just the word submachine gun got me digging through my closet looking for some appropriate 1930s gangster girlfriend outfit to wear.
These super cops will be trolling the major hub stations looking for terror under every seat; holding the trains for surprise sweeps, and best of all making sure all those terrorists know that we’re on to them. The curious thing is there are over 400 subway stations in the system and six teams to cover them. That’s a lot of subway riding. It could get dicey during rush hour. I for one have felt the jab of a briefcase in my abdomen, and don’t really want to know what a submachine gun feels like in comparison.
It’s a nice plan and all, big guns are scary, but I’m not sure that’s the most effective method to nab those freedom-haters. If the government really wants to get ‘em, I say just hire a slew of preachers. It would be a religious smackdown on the subway. You know as soon as the Christian Zealot starts touting that Jesus saves, the extreme Muslim would have to stand up for Allah. And suddenly it’s the Koran vs. The Bible on the 4 train. That’s when the cops could jump in and bag their extremist. Plus the whole thing could have a nice educational side effect. Children of all ages could learn about world religions while the train is stalled on The Manhattan Bridge. Jews For Jesus vs. The Lubavitchers. The Hare Krishnas take on Zen Buddhism.
In fact if the government really wants to eradicate terrorism on the subway they could turn the whole thing into a reality show conversion program. Teams of religious sects get points for how many Muslims can “turn.” The subways fill with TV cameras, and we the riders vote for the best preach of the ride. Certainly a few Muslims could see the benefits of becoming Christian. Easter for one. Who doesn’t like chocolate eggs? And if a Muslim gets the better preach, they get a virgin for the night. Why wait until death for twenty seven when you can have a live one right now! Then of course after the one night they get shipped to Guantanemo, but they would have done their people proud in the process. A perfect plan, and no one gets gunned down on their way Coney Island.
The ironic part of all of this is in my thirteen years of New York some of the most terrifying things I’ve seen in the subway system are the rats, the bridge and tunnel crowd coming in for a Saturday night and the pimply, eager, members of the National Guard. When riding the subway, terror is in the eye of the beholder.
