Shake It Where Appropriate

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God’s back and He’s pissed. Unlike Falwell, Bin Laden and my pal Mahmoud Ahmadinejad God didn’t actually speak to Shlomo Benizri, but Shlomo knows God’s mind and interpreted for Him.

According to Shlomo, an ultra-Orthodox Israeli MP, the tremors experienced in Israel last week were because, “homosexuality causes earthquakes.” It seems that the earthquakes occurred the same week lawmakers in Israel granted same-sex adoption rights. I can totally see how that works. After all God has His good days and bad days just like the rest of us, and maybe He created orphans solely for the benefit Hollywood celebrities and their press agents. Clearly the gays of Israel are impeding on his Master Plan so God sent a message. Heck, our mini snow storm in New York this morning was clearly God’s way of saying Hillary needs to kick off her shoes and get back in the kitchen and Obama needs to get back to the cotton field. If you think about it, God’s ways really aren’t that mysterious at all.

Now what confused me about Shlomo’s statement was his follow up:
“God says you shake your genitals where you are not supposed to and I will shake my world in order to wake you up.”

If God is so serious about this why didn’t He provide the “Zagat’s Guide to Deity Approved Genital Shaking Locations?” And if God didn’t want us to shake our genitals, why did He make it so darn easy and so darn fun. I don’t know about you, but when that Donna Summer comes on the radio it’s all I can do to not shake my genitals. And if it’s hard for me, I can’t imagine how hard it is for the gays, after all, we all know that no homosexual can resist a good disco beat. Once again God reveals himself to be one complicated dude.

Clearly the time has come for me to go Israel and sort the whole mess out. I’ll turn the Gaza Strip into the government and God sponsored Approved Genital Shaking Zone and bring Britney Spears down to run the adoption agencies. But first I have to go slap on lipstick and brush my hair - a really cute guy just came into the coffee shop and he’s got some genitals I’d like to get shaking.

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