The Drama That Is December

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It’s the holiday season and talk has turned Christmas, more specifically putting the Christ back in Christmas. Which technically means the word should be pronounced Chr-EYE-St-Mass. Which is even better than the common pronunciation because that way “ass” gets put back in the holiday as well. And who doesn’t like to say “ass” as often as possible.

Christmas time does odd things to people. There’s the father who took his 3 kids into the Northern California woods to chop down a tree to celebrate the birth of their lord and saviour. Alas, dad forgot his breadcrumbs, it got dark and they couldn’t find their way back to the car. After three days of freezing in the damn woods they were rescued. Here’s what the patriarch had to say: “I’m glad I’m home. Praise God,” ….Asked how he survived, he replied, “Jesus Christ.”

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but was it not Jesus Christ who got him into the mess in the first place? Even if J.C. didn’t specifically say “Go to the woods without a map or any common sense and get thee a tree” the least Jesus could have done was let these people get home without three days of freezing. Jesus leave them stranged but then HE gets credit for the save! Dude is a mastermind. This no-fault saviour business is very complicated, but I think I’d like try my hand at it.

Then of course there’s Captain Christmas, Mike Huckabee. “…this time of year is not the presidential campaign but “the celebration of the birth of Christ,” Unless Christ was born in Iowa where Mike made this statement I think I smell political double talk. Although maybe JC was born in Iowa. He’s a pretty Nordic looking guy and Kevin Costner did say “If you build it, he will come.” We never did get a specific answer on who that He was. Five bucks says by the end of this month, Huckabee will have found the Ark of Covenant somewhere in Des Moines and the Holy Grail out near Ames. It all makes sense why the politicians are always heading to Iowa-who doesn’t want to find the Holy Grail? Do you know how much you could get for that on EBay!

Christmas means only one thing to me this year: Non-Fat Gingerbread Latte with a Caramel Drizzle. Too bad there weren’t any Starbucks in the Manger when Jesus was born. Certainly would have made the whole barn situation a lot more pleasant, and for sure Mary would have gotten a lifetime discount of 10% for that whole immaculate conception thing. I wonder if Huckabee drinks Starbucks or if he boycotts because they are called “Holiday Drinks” and not Christmas drinks. But then I wonder what drinks have the Jews contributed to this time of year. Manischevitz Lattes? Or the Kwazaaniites? African Corn Cappuccinos?

Oh it’s all so confusing. I’m going to go fill out my application for position of Saviour, once that’s taken care of I’ll figure out the holiday drink list at Starbucks, all while putting “ass” back where it belongs.

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