It seems that every time I make a full commitment to getting healthy and becoming one of those thriving hearty types I despise, God and/or CNN conspires against me.
I quit smoking…again. This time for real…again. Last time I did this I lasted two whole years before I started to wane and then fall full into habit (I blame 9/11; Karl Rove and Dick CHeney. I take no personal responsibility.) After an outrageously indulgent Labor Day weekend – fudge for breakfast anyone – I put down the matches and picked up the sugar-free popsicles. I stupidly decided to look at the ingredients on the box and noticed that my frozen treat had actually more chemicals than my cigarettes, but without the added nicotine deliciousness. Ironic huh? But that’s not my point.
My point is, after a solid week of being smoke free and certifiably crazy I came across an article on CNN that stated: “Showerheads may deliver blast of bacteria.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but what the fuck?
Here’s where it got really confusing, First they stated: “If you are healthy and your immune system is functioning properly, you should not worry about the germs in your showerhead.” Great. Fine. But the next sentence says: “Mycobacterium avium, found in 20 percent of study samples, can cause lung infections in both healthy people and those with weakened immune systems, particularly smokers, alcoholics, people with chronic lung disease, and others with conditions that make it difficult to fight off infection. Symptoms include fatigue, a chronic dry cough, and shortness of breath.” Later they state “”[The study] is nothing to freak out about because most germs don’t hurt you,” Then why the fuck did you do the study and why do you still have a job!
Okay, fine I quit smoking, but a shower may or may not kill my lungs anyway, and I’m doomed to die on a street corner because Obama is a Marxist, Socialist, Red Lovin’, Foreigner and there’s no way in hell, aka South Carolina, that a health care plan is going to get passed. And although I’m doing my best to not eat my way through withdrawal, a few extra pounds are beginning to appear which certainly won’t help with being a 42 year old single women. Oh sure beauty is on the inside, but there’s nothing like a few pints of ice cream to make that beauty really, really hard to find.
Let’s review:
Smoking: curbs your appetite, help keep you thin, is delicious and all the cool kids do it
Qutting Smoking: makes you insane, spurs your appetite, and doesn’t guarantee you won’t get run over by a bus and die tomorrow anyway
Showering: Will get you clean, but may or may not kill you.
In that name of all that is holy, if there is an afterlife, it better be in a cigarette factory with only cheesecake to eat and not a shower in sight, that’s the only thing that’s going to make up for this new healthy lifestyle that’s clearly making me miserable.